and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
