Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
