we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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