shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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