Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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