actually, I'm a sock model
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
