He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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