I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
