Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
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First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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