i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
