just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
