carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
