I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
