Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
