Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
