Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
