i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
