why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
