If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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