You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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