I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
