Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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