Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Randomize
