I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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