I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
