You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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