he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...