i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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