So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
