soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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