Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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