guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
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After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
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You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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