Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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