Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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