Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
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