I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
MIDGETS
????
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
