My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
