Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
