I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
