; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
