Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
