I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I want her autograph on my taint
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
