pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
