Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
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Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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