we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
