my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
