i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize