I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
