Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
