I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
