Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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