he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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