Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Randomize
