Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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