dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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