apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
