Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
