if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
