If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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